100 Quotes by Jeremy Clarkson
Jeremy Clarkson, a prominent British journalist and broadcaster, is a polarizing figure whose influence on the automotive and entertainment industries cannot be overstated. Best known as the co-host of the wildly popular show "Top Gear," Clarkson's larger-than-life personality and sharp wit turned the program into a global sensation. His ability to combine insightful automotive analysis with humor and controversy garnered a dedicated following, making car enthusiasts out of even those who had never before cared about automobiles. Clarkson's straightforward and unfiltered commentary, while occasionally landing him in hot water, also served to redefine automotive journalism, injecting it with a sense of excitement and entertainment. Beyond cars, his ventures into various TV projects and writing continue to showcase his unique perspective and voice, reminding the world that journalism can be both informative and entertaining in equal measure.
Jeremy Clarkson Quotes
Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.
It’s what non-car people don’t get. They see all cars as just a ton and a half, two tons of wires, glass, metal, and rubber, and that’s all they see.
You're a car, but most of all, what you are, what you've become, is a mate. And that's what makes a car special. That's what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it.
Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.
This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying “Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”
Change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day.
I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.
Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians?
Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.
I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.
Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.
This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.
We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.
The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite
The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler
Let's be perfectly clear, shall we. The fox is not a little orange puppy dog with doe eyes and a waggly tail. It's a disease-ridden wolf with the morals of a psychopath and the teeth of a great white shark.
Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.
You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.
Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!
I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?
Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.
I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.
Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world.
Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.
If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.
I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!
Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170 is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage. In front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.
Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.
Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don't, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.
All this health and safety talk is just killing me.
The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!
Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.
No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.
If I like somebody else's tribe I'm going to promote the hell out of it. The whole thing is a democracy, and if somebody's more popular then good luck to them.
She can take a year to read something, whereas I like a book that becomes more important in my life that life itself. When I was in the middle of 'Red Storm Rising' by Tom Clancy - which was not selected for the Man Booker shortlist - you could have taken my liver out and fed it to the dog. And I wouldn't have noticed.
The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.
I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.
Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!
I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.
Then there’s the biggest problem of them all – the problem of being in an Audi TT when you are not called Angela. I do not know why it can be driven by only people named Angela, but that’s a fact and there’s nothing we can do about it. If you have a TT and you aren’t called Angela, you have the wrong car.
Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.
Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what BEING STABBED?
Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you're going.
Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.
Boredom forces you to ring people you haven’t seen for eighteen years and halfway through the conversation you remember why you left it so long.
If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth.
God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.
It seemed appropriate that I should develop some kind of illness. This is a good idea when you are at a loose end because everything, up to and including herpes, is better than being bored.
We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.
The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.
If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'
Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.
I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.
Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?
Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.
They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.
The newest Ferrari of them all, the 458, the Italia. The GT3 was good, but nowhen near as good as this... almost nothing on Earth is as good as this... Set that something I've just told, involving Cameron Diaz... and some honey... then it comes that even that isn't as good as this.
"It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
Selling through the internet seems to be a very good idea. There are a million areas that we can go to.
Ecologically speaking, a spilt tanker load is like sticking a safety pin into an elephant's foot. The planet barely notices. After the Exxon Valdez accident in Alaska the oil company spent billions tidying up the coastline, but it was a waste of money because the waves were cleaning up faster than Exxon could. Environmentalists can never accept the planet's ability to self-heal.
Italy's youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they are 72 but that's because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages.
Like many men, I can never find anything that I'm looking for, even when I'm actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence.
When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It's not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I've never changed it. It's a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.
Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?
I have a pathological terror of falling through ice. I nearly drowned once. I fell off a boat and got a cramp, and was rescued by an oil-rig diver, a great bear of a man who simply leant into the water and scooped me out with one finger.
If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.
Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is he’s called the Stig.
I dish the dirt out and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it?
Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight. All we know is he’s called the Stig.
I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.
Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.
There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!
If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!
There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.
I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said: 'Can we borrow yours?' and he said, 'Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.'
I think it's a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
Extravagant is, I think, the word we all thought when we met ... A lot of money went into that [The Grand Tour's ]. I just thought it would be a good idea to have a bridge from the old to the new and that was a way of saying 'Right, well now look where we are.'
Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.
I'm having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over.
Does anyone really imagine for a moment that my wife gives two stuffs about global warming? She certainly did not appear to be all that bothered on Thursday evening when, during the great carbon-saving switch-off, I ran round the house furiously turning on every light, hair dryer, dishwasher and toaster.
The "public" seems to have bought into this belief that life can, and should, be run without risk, that all accidents are avoidable, and that death is something that only happens to people who eat meat and smoke.
I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.
Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.
It was as relaxing as being tickled.
I therefore have to use The Force. And weirdly, this doesn't work very well. I don't understand why, because on the last census, I put my religion down as Jedi Knight.
Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can't have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun - except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.
If we build three million new houses by 2020, where will we grow all the stuff needed to feed the people who live in them?
Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space.
When you've finished using a car, put the f***ing seat back, so humans can use it afterwards.
This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.
It's just thinking of funny things that will amuse us and entertain us and we'll come and do it.
.. international hand of freindship. A cigarette
Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.
You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
I'm a horse of a man!
I wore a groove in the kitchen floor with endless trips to the fridge, hoping against hope that I had somehow missed a plateful of cold sausages on the previous 4,000 excursions. Then, for no obvious reason, I decided to buy a footstool.
Why is the forecast so bland? Why instead of 'stormy' don't they just say the sea's 'a frothing maelstrom of terror and hopelessness'?
Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.
You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It's pointless.
Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth
When we went to Canada [with Top Gear], I was staggered about how many people got in touch ... Before we finish with The Grand Tour, we'll definitely be appearing in Canada at some point. Nothing is more certain than that.
We don't know how many people are watching The Grand Tour's - it's a closely guarded secret, we don't even know - the only thing we can do is make a program that we enjoy. And then hope that we're not so unusual that other people won't share our taste.
― Jeremy Clarkson Quotes
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Tal Gur is an author, founder, and impact-driven entrepreneur at heart. After trading his daily grind for a life of his own daring design, he spent a decade pursuing 100 major life goals around the globe. His journey and most recent book, The Art of Fully Living, has led him to found Elevate Society.
