Feel It All: Summary Review

What if the way we talk about sex has been missing the most important ingredient of all—our full, unfiltered emotions? In Feel It All: A Therapist’s Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship with Sex, Casey Tanner challenges us to step beyond clinical jargon and pop-culture myths to build a radically authentic connection with our sexual selves.

What is the Book About?

Feel It All is not your typical guide to intimacy—it is a heartfelt journey that invites readers to peel away layers of shame, fear, and rigidity surrounding their sexuality. Tanner, through a blend of personal anecdotes, therapeutic insights, and tangible strategies, encourages readers to bring their full emotional selves into their sexual lives. Instead of following rigid models or textbook definitions, the book advocates for embracing every emotion—joy, grief, anger, desire—as valid and important parts of our sexual experiences. Tanner frames sexuality as not just an act, but as a living, breathing part of who we are, intricately tied to every other facet of our humanity.

At its core, the book reimagines the purpose of sexual health and education by making room for complexity and nuance. Tanner argues that sexual satisfaction cannot be achieved through mechanics alone; it flourishes through the permission to feel deeply and vulnerably. By dismantling traditional norms and binary thinking, Feel It All paves the way for readers to create a more personal, empowered, and compassionate relationship with their sexuality, whether they are single, partnered, queer, straight, questioning, or exploring.

Book Details

Print length: 352 pages
Language: English
Publication date: April 30, 2024
Genre: Self-help / Sexual Wellness

Book Author

Core Theme

The main theme of Feel It All is that sexuality cannot be separated from the full range of human emotions—it must include them, honor them, and even be built upon them. Tanner proposes that sexual well-being isn't about fitting into rigid boxes or achieving a performative "success" in intimacy; rather, it is about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, messy, joyful, scared, and everything in between. She insists that embracing all our emotional states in the sexual realm leads to richer, more authentic connections not only with others but with ourselves.

Through stories from her therapy practice and personal life, Tanner reveals how common feelings like shame, grief, anger, and fear are not problems to "fix" before one can have a healthy sex life—they are integral parts of the journey. The philosophy of the book is deeply humanistic: every emotion is welcome at the table. This profound reframing challenges societal norms, encourages self-compassion, and ultimately leads readers to a place of greater self-acceptance and sexual freedom.

Main Lessons

A few impactful summary lessons from Feel It All:

1. Challenge the Myths Around Sexuality and Gender

Many of the shame-driven misconceptions we carry about sex and gender are not rooted in truth but in outdated societal narratives. Casey Tanner unpacks these myths with empathy, inviting readers to dismantle the false ideas that sexuality must conform to rigid molds. By exposing how cultural conditioning from parents, educators, peers, and capitalism shapes our intimate relationships, Tanner empowers readers to reconnect with their authentic selves beyond imposed expectations.

2. Recognize That Sexuality and Mental Health Are Intertwined

In a moving recount of personal experience, Tanner reveals the pivotal moment when realizing her queerness transformed her mental health journey. Through her story, she shows how crucial it is to recognize that understanding one’s sexuality is deeply tied to overall wellbeing. She makes it clear that mental health practitioners often miss vital connections between sexuality and emotional struggles, and that healing requires acknowledging and integrating this connection with compassion.

3. Understand That Healing Is a Shared Human Experience

By blending personal narrative with professional expertise, Tanner tears down the artificial wall between therapist and client, reminding us that everyone is on a healing journey. She emphasizes that there’s no perfect state of sexual or emotional being and that vulnerability, not perfection, is where true healing lives. Through her examples, Tanner offers a refreshing model of shared humanity that encourages readers to embrace their own messy, beautiful path without shame.

4. Embrace Your Unique Timeline Without Regret

For those discovering aspects of their identity later in life, Tanner offers a liberating perspective: no time has been wasted. She redefines experience not by the number of encounters but by the depth of personal understanding and enthusiasm one brings to relationships. Rather than feeling behind, readers are encouraged to recognize that self-discovery at any age is rich with wisdom and possibility, and that curiosity and openness are greater assets than any checklist of experiences.

5. Reject Societal Double Standards About Sexual Value

Tanner highlights how society traps individuals in a no-win situation regarding sexual value—judging those with both too little and too much experience. She powerfully dismantles these harmful narratives by affirming that a person's worth is never dictated by their past experiences. Readers are guided to reject these impossible standards and instead embrace the truth that value comes from their presence, honesty, and willingness to connect authentically.

6. Redefine Queerness Beyond Sexual Acts

Tanner urges readers to resist the harmful idea that queerness must be proven through specific sexual experiences. She points out that queerness is an expansive, deeply personal identity that permeates every aspect of life, not just the bedroom. By separating identity from performance, she encourages queer individuals to find validation in their existence and self-understanding rather than external benchmarks or arbitrary milestones.

7. Stay Open to Lifelong Sexual Growth and Evolution

One of the book’s most empowering messages is that sexual awakening is not a one-time event but an ongoing journey. Tanner inspires readers to stay open to surprises, growth, and evolution throughout their lives. No matter their age, experience, or relationship status, there is always more to learn, feel, and become. She invites readers to adopt a mindset of perpetual curiosity, using new language, perspectives, and self-compassion to build ever-deepening relationships with themselves and others.

8. Cultivate a Secure Relationship With Your Sexuality

Throughout Feel It All, Tanner offers readers tools to develop what she calls “secure sexuality”—a state where individuals accept their sexual realities without shame or apology. She encourages examining past beliefs, questioning inherited values, and gently moving toward a fuller, more affirming understanding of self. In doing so, readers are guided to cultivate a sexuality that feels not performative or comparative, but deeply rooted in self-acceptance and genuine connection.

9. Lean Into Enthusiasm Over Expertise

Tanner beautifully reframes the anxiety around sexual inexperience by highlighting that enthusiasm, curiosity, and openness are far more important than technical skill. She reminds readers that great sexual experiences are built not on perfect technique but on a spirit of playfulness and mutual discovery. By celebrating enthusiasm, Tanner encourages a more joyful, pressure-free approach to intimacy that welcomes exploration without fear of judgment.

10. Let Go of Impossible Standards and Embrace Authenticity

Feel It All calls out the unrealistic expectations society imposes—that individuals must somehow be both pure and highly skilled at sex. Tanner shows that these contradictory demands are not only absurd but damaging, and urges readers to release themselves from their grip. True confidence, she asserts, comes from showing up authentically and vulnerably, not from meeting impossible standards. In freeing themselves from these expectations, readers can finally step into a more liberated, self-loving relationship with their bodies and desires.

Key Takeaways

Key summary takeaways from the book:

• Sexual health is not about achieving perfect function or pleasure but about making space for the full spectrum of human emotion.
• Shame is often the biggest barrier to sexual satisfaction, and it can only be dismantled through self-compassion and vulnerability.
• Emotions like grief, fear, anger, and even sadness have rightful places in our sexual narratives and should not be excluded.
• Reimagining your relationship with sex requires dismantling rigid cultural narratives and embracing personal truths instead of societal scripts.
• Authentic intimacy is cultivated through radical acceptance, self-awareness, and a willingness to feel everything without judgment.

Book Strengths

Feel It All stands out for its emotional depth, inclusivity, and real-world applicability. Readers and critics praise the book’s refreshing honesty and its willingness to tackle complex emotions without falling into clinical coldness or oversimplified advice. Tanner’s voice is compassionate yet bold, making even challenging topics feel approachable, relatable, and transformative.

Who This Book Is For

This book is perfect for anyone seeking a more authentic, compassionate, and emotionally connected relationship with their sexuality, whether they are navigating healing, exploration, or simply wanting to deepen their self-awareness.

Why Should You Read This Book?

Feel It All offers a liberating framework for anyone tired of restrictive, one-size-fits-all approaches to sex and intimacy. It invites readers into a brave new space where every emotion is honored, every experience is valid, and real empowerment comes from feeling everything rather than hiding from it.

Concluding Thoughts.

Feel It All is more than a guidebook—it's a heartfelt invitation to live fully in your body and heart without shame or fear. Casey Tanner weaves a message that is both profoundly simple and deeply revolutionary: the way to a thriving, satisfying sexual life begins not with technical fixes, but with emotional honesty and radical acceptance.

If you're looking for a book that doesn't shy away from the messy, complicated, and deeply human nature of sexuality, Feel It All will feel like a breath of fresh air. It’s not just a read—it’s an experience that challenges, comforts, and ultimately empowers.

→  Get the book on Amazon or discover more via the author's website or social channels.

* The publisher and editor of this summary review made every effort to maintain information accuracy, including any published quotes, lessons, takeaways, or summary notes.

Chief Editor

Tal Gur is an author, founder, and impact-driven entrepreneur at heart. After trading his daily grind for a life of his own daring design, he spent a decade pursuing 100 major life goals around the globe. His journey and most recent book, The Art of Fully Living, has led him to found Elevate Society.