23 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
Anthony Jeselnik is an American comedian known for his dark and controversial humor. He gained widespread recognition for his work on "The Roast," a Comedy Central series in which comedians roast various celebrities. Jeselnik has also released several stand-up specials and has been a writer for various television shows. His humor is often seen as edgy and boundary-pushing, and his ability to make light of taboo topics has drawn both praise and criticism from audiences and critics. (Bio)
Anthony Jeselnik Quotes
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. (Meaning)
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.
― Anthony Jeselnik Quotes
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Tal Gur is an author, founder, and impact-driven entrepreneur at heart. After trading his daily grind for a life of his own daring design, he spent a decade pursuing 100 major life goals around the globe. His journey and most recent book, The Art of Fully Living, has led him to found Elevate Society.
