105 Quotes by Billy Connolly
Billy Connolly, a legendary comedian and entertainer, has captivated audiences for decades with his unique brand of humor, infectious energy, and charming Scottish wit. Known for his hilarious storytelling and effortless delivery, Connolly's performances are marked by his larger-than-life personality and his ability to find humor in everyday situations. With a natural talent for observation and an uncanny ability to connect with people from all walks of life, Connolly effortlessly takes his audience on a comedic journey, tackling a wide range of topics with his trademark irreverence and wit. Beyond his comedy, Connolly's charisma and magnetic stage presence have also translated into successful careers as an actor and musician. His influence on the world of comedy is immeasurable, as he has inspired countless comedians with his fearlessness, originality, and ability to find laughter in even the darkest corners of life.
Billy Connolly Quotes
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Iām actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Never trust anybody with only one book. (Meaning)
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
If you give people a chance, they shine.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
Never trust people who've only got one book.
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
A fart is just your arse applauding.
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
Don't die until you're dead.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.
If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
The more you know the less the better.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
Don't work out, work in.
Try to live in a place you like.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.
The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
ā Billy Connolly Quotes
Chief Editor
Tal Gur is an author, founder, and impact-driven entrepreneur at heart. After trading his daily grind for a life of his own daring design, he spent a decade pursuing 100 major life goals around the globe. His journey and most recent book, The Art of Fully Living, has led him to found Elevate Society.
