106 Quotes by Bo Burnham

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine. (Meaning)

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

I'm interested in taboos for certain reasons. They can dramatise things and they're scary, and they're important to think about. I'm also wary about the fact that if you don't proceed with caution and understand what you're doing, you understand these things are realities that you're dealing with, they're real things.

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Where are all the sour patch parents?

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

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I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now.

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

At the time of 'Words, Words, Words,' I'm a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he's entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that's inherently a little bit ridiculous.

The average person has one Fallopian tube.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I'm going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas.

Love is all about... whistles.

I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone's watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it.

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

When I see someone filming me, I don't usually think, 'No, man, don't put this up online!' I'd think, 'Hey man, you don't get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!' I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor. I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you're on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don't want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That's always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing's going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful in the moment. It's more like a character that's sculpted for whatever joke needs communicating at the moment.

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

I'm bored way too easily. I'm staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

When life gets you down, make a comforter!

Do you guys like impressions? "Why?" That was Socrates.

I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.

Comedy should be a source of positivity. I don't want to bully people, and I don't want people to come to my show to feel terrible about something. I'm actually very open to having a conversation about what I should or shouldn't say.

I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.

I've found, across the board, that comedians have been very respectful and kind to me. And that seems to stem from the fact that they are just respectful and kind people in general. Comedians get a bad rap for being dark and anti-social I think.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

The biggest danger, for me, with making yourself your act is that a lot of people with think they know you for better or worse. That's an ongoing struggle with me and it can get really trippy sometimes. I try to be strong about it and assure myself that only my close friends and family can really pass judgement on me personally, but it's impossible to not let it get to you.

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that's a lovely addition.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.

I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don't want to construct the show to prove something.

I'm very interested in trying to make comedy shows that are a bit bigger, more theatrical, more of a "show." Some people might say I'm trying too hard, but that's a compliment to me. I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy.

I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It's like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from people, 'I think you try too hard in your comedy.' And that's what I worry about.

For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

That's what YouTube's become, it's become like a lot of vloggers capitalizing on this sort of like "My fans, I love my fans, hey guys." I've grown up and kind of been disgusted by that. I think it's using people, I think it's like encouraging something that's unhealthy, telling people you love them. "I love you." Oh really, you love your fans? You love the people that give you money and attention? Of course you do, that's not selfless that you love your fans, that's ridiculous.

My first concern is that when you go to a show, you should be present. It's much more exciting to put the camera down and lose yourself in it.

I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.

The thing is, I was on YouTube like the golden era, I think. Before ads came in, it was really cool back then.

I think no matter what you do, a certain amount of people are going to call you a sellout, somehow, you know. If I ever start trying to make a living on it.

I don't want to try to recreate for no reason. Like, me in my bedroom, singing songs to a camera was a special thing that was at that time in my life. But I'm just not that kid. I like the format of it, but I want to be able to release things for free.

It's not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I'm doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name.

The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.