240 Quotes by Chris Rock

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

In the world of animation, you can be anything you wanna be. If you're a fat woman, you can play a skinny princess. If you're short wimpy guy, you can play a tall gladiator. If you're a white man, you can play an Arabian prince. And if you're a black man, you can play a donkey or a zebra.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

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You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.

I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

We treat racism in this country like it's a style that America went through. Like flared legs and lava lamps. Oh, that crazy thing we did. We were hanging black people. We treat it like a fad instead of a disease that eradicates millions of people. You've got to get it at a lab, and study it, and see its origins, and see what it's immune to and what breaks it down.

When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

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Here's the thing. When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it's all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they're not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

People say, 'Why is he bored with her?' Because he's a human being, that's why; same way his wife is bored with him. That is marriage - anything that's supposed to be forever, your going to get bored with it. And there is nothing wrong with it, so don't take it personal; if you are with somebody for ten years and they are not bored with you? Then something is wrong with them.

So, to say Obama is progress is saying that he’s the first black person that is qualified to be president. That’s not black progress. That’s white progress. There’s been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years. The question is, you know, my kids are smart, educated, beautiful, polite children. There have been smart, educated, beautiful, polite black children for hundreds of years. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

If you’re a black Christian, you have a real short memory.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Hollywood's racist. Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like - we like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"

Pretty girls have problems too.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

A black man will be elected President of the United States. I'm sorry, that's in the year 10,000.

I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.

Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative!

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.

You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war !

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.

Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?

Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Babies don't know who's rich and who's poor. You love 'em and they're happy.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke.

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.

For the most part, comedy is the only fair part of show business.

I hate when people go on TV and tell you how hard it is to do animation. No, no, no. UPS is hard work. I’ve done some animation and here's how easy it is. The easiest job in the world. I go in a booth and I go, what’s the line? And the guy goes, it’s time to go to the store. And then I go, it’s time to go to the store. And then they gave me $1 million.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.

Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!

No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.

I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.

Nobody's about saving anymore. No one cares about a rainy day anymore. Nobody saves up enough for even an umbrella for a rainy day. It's sad. It really is a new form of slavery. We used to work to be able to afford material things. Now we work for these things. They're the boss. That house you can't afford, that car that's out of your price range, that cellphone that drains your bank account - that's your boss.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny.

My relationship with my daughter is gonna affect her relationship with men for the rest of her life... Sometimes I'm walking with my daughter. I'm pushing her in the stroller, and sometimes I just pick her up and stare at her, and I realize, my only job in life is to keep her off the pole.

I see guys who can't make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards.

I don't think my comedy is that political. It's more social. But whatever. When you make comedy and you do stand-up, you work alone. Movies have to go under so much scrutiny. A stand-up special is a vision, and a movie is a consensus in a lot of ways.

I mean no disrespect to anything I did before.

It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property.

The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money.

I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.

Only black people in the whole neighborhood, so let's break it down: Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a f*****g dentist.

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much. I think this is, in a weird way, part of the health care debate. It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money.

The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.

I love black people, but I hate niggers.

Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost? And he says, What ghost?"

A black Christian is like a black person with no memory.

I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, Gee, I've got something here.

People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

I never watched the Oscars. Come on, it's a fashion show . . . What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don't recognize comedy, and you don't see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it?

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl."

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep. And when I see the Tea Party and all this stuff, it actually feels like racism’s almost over. Because this is the last - this is the act up before the sleep. They’re going crazy. They’re insane. You want to get rid of them - and the next thing you know, they’re fucking knocked out. And that’s what’s going on in the country right now.

Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

I never had the confidence to say I was going to be in front of the camera as a comedian until I saw Eddie Murphy years later.

The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

Money is the best lotion in the world.

A lot of racism going on in the world right now. Who's more racist? Black people or white people? Black people. You know why? 'Cuz we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

An entertainer's reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you'll never be broke for the rest of your life.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

People really cared more about women's hair. But nobody takes you seriously with Jheri curls is what we've deduced. If you got an Afro and you go "Fight the power" people will follow you. If you got a Jheri curl, people just laugh.

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.

The thing about Barack Obama, just from being around him, is he's cooler than the other politicians, but just nerdy enough to do the job. Like you can't be really cool and be the president.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

Being a comedian is a lot like being an athlete. If you're Carl Lewis and you're the fastest, then no matter what you're the fastest.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

There's math, and everything else is debatable!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.

If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what they want to do. When you are raised by two parents, you are constantly watching compromise take place. Just by observing that, it made me a better person.

Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

You don't pay taxes; they take them from your check. That's not a payment - that's a 'jack.

You only know that you're smart because you're around dumb people from time to time!

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

Tomorrow is more sure than just about anything else in the entire world.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be N2. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crack head, you better be a crack head ... Otherwise it just won't work.

I had always been - everybody kind of likes comedy. I was very interested in comedy, beyond just liking it. I had friends that took apart radios; I wanted to take apart jokes.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.

Why do people do yoga? To clear their minds? I embrace the clutter in my head.

I'm looking forward to not being tired around my child. My father was tired a lot. I want to play ball with my child without having to grab my shoulder because I'm not physically fit. And I want to really teach my child and become his or her friend.

Oprah is rich; Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out of a window and slit his throat on the way down saying, 'I can't even put gas in my plane!'

You know, you get famous and you work in these weird jobs and you don't have a lot in common with people. But once you have kids, you have everything in common with everybody.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

It's easier to get on show business, the hard part is to maintain. Nobody stays famous forever.

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, 'Hey, man, women are crazy,' you've got a friend.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

Men are handicapped when it comes to arguing, 'cause we have a need to make sense.

Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn't conducive to violence.

When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.

I got love from my family. I don't really need love from a paper, you know what I mean? I can't get too happy because somebody said something nice about me. I appreciate it, but let's not get it twisted - this is not changing my life.

My dad worked every day. I didn't get into show business to work every day. So the fact that most days I get to like, spend really good time with my kids - that's what success is to me.

I'm old enough to remember when there were no black quarterbacks - there were no blacks on TV. I hope my son or daughter doesn't have to be as fixated on race as I am, because he or she will grow up in freer times.

So there's a cloud of rage around me, but being an artist kind of changes that. No matter what you thought coming in, what ignorant thing you believed, you're in show business for two years, you're like, "OK, I was wrong." It's hard to be mad at any particular group of people when you're an artist.

I think it's better to have ideas.

I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.

Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager... Boy, was I wrong!

I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?

I believe you got my property?

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go What did I say?! I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go Eww, that was mean.

I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing.

When a musical act performs, the black audience goes crazy for all the stuff, the album cuts, everything. White audiences, they're nice and all, but they're not going to lose it until they get the hits. Comedy is the same thing.

I try to stay with it and I try to stay in contact with comedians and just keep comedians in my life 'cause comedians are their own species. If you get away from them, especially as a comedian, I think it's dangerous.

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.

Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones.

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

If you told me two years I would miss the greatest basketball game ever to hang out with Nathan Lane, I'd say, 'You're crazy!'

You just got to be really logical when you're a comedian - to a fault. Like a lawyer's got to believe in the law.

There's a difference between racism and "I don't know any better. I'm clueless." Racism is like, "I'm trying to make you feel bad." That's racism.

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

No, I want big ol' titties in my face!

Unlike flying or astral projection, walking through walls is an earthbound pursuit.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness.

My goals were small. My goal was to become a big enough stand-up that I wouldn't have to do radio. I could sell out a club, which is like 300 seats. If I got big enough, I could sell before I got there, and I wouldn't have to get up at 6 in the morning to do radio. That was pretty much the dream. I had no idea I'd be playing Madison Square Garden or anything.

I live way below my means.

I get approached to do shows all the time. There's a lot of money in sitcoms, but I've never been the kind of guy who wanted to do one. I don't think people want to see me saying "Honey, I'm home." It's just not my thing.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Standup comedians are attracted to one another because of their faults. So we're all kind of messed up in the same way, and once I was around a group of people that saw the world in a different way, it's like this is where I need to be.

Success is just hanging out with my kids. I mean, I always say if you have options, you're rich. To me, success is the fact that hey, I just did a movie and maybe I'll do some stand up, maybe I'll will write a book or maybe I will do a play.

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.

I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you're writing and you're doubting. But when I'm with my kids and my family, it's all about them.