100 Quotes by George Carlin

George Carlin, an American comedian and social critic, was a master of observational humor that exposed the absurdities of modern life. With a keen eye for societal contradictions and a fearless approach to taboo subjects, Carlin's stand-up routines were a blend of wit, insight, and satire. His incisive commentary on language, politics, religion, and culture challenged audiences to question the status quo and consider alternative perspectives. Carlin's ability to dissect complex topics and deliver them in a straightforward and humorous manner earned him a dedicated following and solidified his place as one of the most influential comedians of all time. His work not only provided laughter but also provoked deeper reflection on the human condition and the idiosyncrasies of the world we inhabit.

George Carlin Quotes

If all the economists were laid end to end, they'd never reach a conclusion. (Meaning)

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Whisky is liquid sunshine. (Quote Meaning)

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. (Meaning)

All progress depends on the unreasonable man. (Quote Meaning)

The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier. (Meaning)

Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends. (Quote Meaning)

It's a pity youth is wasted on the young. (Meaning)

Liberty is the breath of life to nations. (Quote Meaning)

We are the living graves of murdered beasts. (Meaning)

England and America are two countries separated by the same language. (Quote Meaning)

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He who has never hoped can never despair (Meaning)

I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad. (Quote Meaning)

Property is organized robbery. (Meaning)

Morals are a luxury of the rich. (Quote Meaning)

If pity is akin to love, gratitude is akin to the other thing. (Meaning)

The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination (Quote Meaning)

God help England if she had no Scots to think for her. (Meaning)

God is on the side of the big battalions. (Quote Meaning)

The great advantage of a hotel is that it is a refuge from home life. (Meaning)

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Kings are not born: they are made by artificial hallucination. (Quote Meaning)

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. (Meaning)

What you are to do without me I cannot imagine. (Quote Meaning)

Be like the sun and meadow, which are not in the least concerned about the coming winter. (Meaning)

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. (Quote Meaning)

The only secrets are the secrets that keep themselves. (Meaning)

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. (Quote Meaning)

A great social reformer. (Meaning)

You cannot be a hero without being a coward. (Quote Meaning)

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. (Meaning)

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. (Quote Meaning)

The planet is fine. The people are fucked. (Meaning)

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. (Quote Meaning)

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. (Meaning)

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. (Quote Meaning)

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (Meaning)

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. (Quote Meaning)

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. (Meaning)

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (Quote Meaning)

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. (Meaning)

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. (Quote Meaning)

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? (Meaning)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. (Quote Meaning)

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. (Meaning)

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. (Quote Meaning)

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. (Meaning)

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Everyone smiles in the same language.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat. (Quote Meaning)

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done. (Meaning)

Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. (Quote Meaning)

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe anything the government says.'

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. (Meaning)

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got, because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now... the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners.

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole.

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'? (Quote Meaning)

"No comment" is a comment.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

... the important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it, and try to see the world for what it actually is, as opposed to what someone or some company or some organization or some government is trying to represent it as, or present it as, however they've mislabeled it or dressed it up or told you.

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Life is a near-death experience.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street.

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a... secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

― George Carlin Quotes

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Tal Gur is an author, founder, and impact-driven entrepreneur at heart. After trading his daily grind for a life of his own daring design, he spent a decade pursuing 100 major life goals around the globe. His journey and most recent book, The Art of Fully Living, has led him to found Elevate Society.

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