100 Quotes by Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx, an American comedian and actor, is best remembered for his wit, quick-paced humor, and his role as the central figure in the Marx Brothers comedy team. His iconic appearance, including a greasepaint mustache, glasses, and cigar, became synonymous with his irreverent and often absurd comedic style. Groucho's skill in wordplay, clever one-liners, and satirical commentary on social norms made him a beloved figure in both film and television. Through his work in classic films like "Duck Soup" and "A Night at the Opera," Groucho Marx left an indelible mark on the history of comedy, influencing generations of comedians and continuing to elicit laughter from audiences of all ages.

Groucho Marx Quotes

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

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While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

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When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Time wounds all heels.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Budget: a way of going broke methodically.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

What have future generations ever done for us?

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Always examine the dice.

Blood's not thicker than money.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

"Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself."

I shall drink no #‎ wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

― Groucho Marx Quotes

Chief Editor

Tal Gur is an author, founder, and impact-driven entrepreneur at heart. After trading his daily grind for a life of his own daring design, he spent a decade pursuing 100 major life goals around the globe. His journey and most recent book, The Art of Fully Living, has led him to found Elevate Society.

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