80 Top Quotes From Difficult Conversations

"Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.”

"The single most important thing you can do is to shift your internal stance from "I understand" to "Help me understand.""

"Often we go through an entire conversation – or indeed an entire relationship – without ever realizing that each of us is paying attention to different things, that our views are based on different information.”

"The urge to blame is based on the fear of being blamed.”

"People almost never change without first feeling understood.”

"Paradoxically, there is also considerable persuasion power in inquiry and listening.”

"Intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other words, we make them up, we invent them. But our invented stories about other people’s intentions are accurate much less often than we think. Why? Because people’s intentions, like so much else in difficult conversations, are complex. Sometimes people act with mixed intentions. Sometimes they act with no intention, or at least none related to us. And sometimes they act on good intentions that nonetheless hurt us."

"Learning that you can’t control the other person’s reaction, and that it can be destructive to try, can be incredibly liberating. It not only gives the other person the space to react however they need to, but also takes a huge amount of pressure off you. You will learn things about yourself based on their reaction, but if you are prepared to learn, you’ll feel free from the desperate need for their reaction to go one certain way.”

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"Depending on how we handle them, feelings can lead to great trouble. But the feelings themselves just are. In that sense, feelings are like arms or legs. If you hit or kick someone, then your arms or legs are causing trouble. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with arms or legs. The same with feelings.”

"No matter how good you get at reframing, the single most important rule about managing the interaction is this: You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood. And they won’t feel heard and understood until you’ve listened."

"When the other person becomes highly emotional, listen and acknowledge. When they say their version of the story is the only version that makes sense, paraphrase what you’re hearing and ask them some questions about why they think this. If they level accusations against you, before defending yourself, try to understand their view. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or unsure how to proceed, remember that it is always a good time to listen.”

"Imagine that while scuba diving, you suddenly see a shark glide into view. Your heart starts to pound and your anxiety skyrockets. You’re terrified, which is a perfectly rational and understandable feeling. Now imagine that your marine biology training enables you to identify it as a Reef Shark, which you know doesn’t prey on anything as large as you. Your anxiety disappears. Instead you feel excited and curious to observe the shark’s behavior.”

"The truth is, intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other words, we make them up, we invent them.”

"Working to keep negative information out during a difficult conversation is like trying to swim without getting wet.”

"Get curious about what you don’t know about yourself.”

"Telling someone to change makes it less rather than more likely that they will.”

"Interpretations and judgments are important to explore. In contrast, the quest to determine who is right and who is wrong is a dead end. In”

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"Our Assumptions About Intentions Are Often Wrong”

"Simply by changing your own behavior, you gain at least some influence over the problem.”

"The point is this: difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.”

"We don’t care where the ball lands, as long as it doesn’t land on us.”

"We Ignore the Complexity of Human Motivations”

"Studies show that while few people are good at detecting factual lies, most of us can determine when someone is distorting, manufacturing, or withholding an emotion.”

"When competent, sensible people do something stupid, the smartest move is to try to figure out, first, what kept them from seeing it coming and, second, how to prevent the problem from happening again.”

"Control is the unilateral ability to make something happen. Influence is the ability to affect someone else’s thinking.”

"Because good listening requires an open and honest curiosity about the other person, and a willingness and ability to keep the spotlight on them. Buried emotions draw the spotlight back to us. Instead of wondering, “How does what they are saying make sense?”

"Difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings.”

"Talking successfully about feelings requires you to be scrupulous about taking the judgments, attributions, and statements of blame out of what you are saying, and putting the statement of feeling in. It is crucial to look at the actual words you are using to see whether those words really convey what you want them to.”

"Because when we set out to try to change someone, we are more likely to argue with and attack their story and less likely to listen. This approach increases the likelihood that they will feel defensive rather than open to learning something new. They are more likely to change if they think we understand them and if they feel heard and respected. They are more likely to change if they feel free not to.”

"We have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen.”

"In truth, we are all fast and slow, strong and weak, motivated and lazy in a thousand tiny ways throughout our days that the generalizations simply don’t capture.”

"All three elements of blame are present: you caused this, I’m judging you negatively, and implicit in what I am saying is that one way or another you will be punished, especially if it happens again.”

"I appreciate that. I’m feeling bad too. Let’s retrace our steps and think about how this happened. I suspect we may each have contributed to the problem. From your point of view, did I do anything differently this time?”

"Listening well is one of the most powerful skills you can bring to a difficult conversation.”

"When your real goal is finding the dog, fixing the ceiling, and preventing such incidents in the future, focusing on blame is a waste of time. It neither helps you understand the problem looking back, nor helps you fix it going forward.”

"It’s hard to hear someone else when we are feeling unheard, even if the reason we feel unheard is that we have chosen not to share.”

"When blame is the goal, understanding is the casualty”

"Why is it so difficult to decide whether to avoid or to confront? Because at some level we know the truth: If we try to avoid the problem, we’ll feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we’ll wonder why we don’t stick up for ourselves, and we’ll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things.”

"Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.”

"The Truth Assumption As we argue vociferously for our view, we often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you are wrong. This simple assumption causes endless grief.”

"The big three blind spots are tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. The listener is very aware of these, the talker is not.”

"We can make a reasonable argument that engaging (well) in difficult conversations is a sign of health in a relationship.”

"Blame Can Leave a Bad System Undiscovered”

"As “shifters” we tend to see ourselves as innocent victims – when something goes wrong, it’s always because of what someone else did. Others of us have the opposite tendency: we are all too aware of the negative consequences of our own actions. In the face of this, others’ contributions seem insignificant. An “absorber” tends to feel responsible for everything.”

"If I’m the boss / parent, why can’t I just tell my subordinates / children what to do?”

"Address the implications of the alternate view. Another thing Peter might say is, “Let’s put aside for a minute the question of whether this complaint is true and instead ask what if it were true? What would it mean? What would be the implications for you?”

"The blame frame creates a difficult burden. You have to feel confident that others are at fault, and that you aren’t, to feel justified in raising an issue.”

"At work, at home, and across the backyard fence, difficult conversations are attempted or avoided every day.”

"There is no Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade”

"By identifying what you are doing to perpetuate a situation, you learn where you have leverage to affect the system.”

"Our colleague Roger Fisher captured this phenomenon in a wry reflection on his days as a litigator : “I sometimes failed to persuade the court that I was right, but I never failed to persuade myself!”

"Move from Certainty to Curiosity There’s only one way to come to understand the other person’s story, and that’s by being curious. Instead of asking yourself, “How can they think that?!” ask yourself, “I wonder what information they have that I don’t?” Instead of asking, “How can they be so irrational?” ask, “How might they see the world such that their view makes sense?” Certainty locks us out of their story; curiosity lets us in.”

"When competent, sensible people do something stupid, the smartest move is to try to figure out, first, what kept them from seeing it coming and, second, how to prevent the problem from happening again. Talking about blame distracts us from exploring why things went wrong and how we might correct them going forward. Focusing instead on understanding the contribution system allows us to learn about the real causes of the problem, and to work on correcting them.”

"There’s an old story of two clerics arguing about how to do God’s work. In the spirit of conciliation, one finally says to the other, “You and I see things differently, and that’s okay. We don’t need to agree. You can do God’s work your way, and I’ll do God’s work His way.”

"Blame is about Judging, and Looks Backward”

"Sometimes people have honest disagreements, but even so, the most useful question is not “Who’s right?” but “Now that we really understand each other, what’s a good way to manage this problem?”

"Wherever you want to go, understanding – imagining yourself into the other person’s story – has got to be your first step. Before you can figure out how to move forward, you need to understand where you are.”

"Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Giving a critical performance review. Saying no to someone in need. Confronting disrespectful or hurtful behavior. Disagreeing with the majority in a group. Apologizing. At work, at home, and across the backyard fence, difficult conversations are attempted or avoided every day.”

"Tact is good, but it’s not the answer to difficult conversations. Tact won’t make conversations with your father more intimate or take away your client’s anger over the increased bill. Nor is there a simple diplomatic way to fire your friend, to let your mother-in-law know that she drives you crazy, or to confront your colleagues’ hurtful prejudices.”

"Listening is only powerful and effective if it is authentic. Authenticity means that you are listening because you are curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to. The issue, then, is this: Are you curious? Do you care?”

"This is important to me, I want to find a time to talk about it, and right now I’m not able to.”

"In addition to the stance of curiosity, there are three primary skills that good listeners employ: inquiry, paraphrasing, and acknowledgment.”

"As we argue vociferously for our view, we often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you are wrong. This simple assumption causes endless grief.”

"The heading says it all: inquire to learn. And only to learn. You can tell whether a question will help the conversation or hurt it by thinking about why you asked it. The only good answer is “To learn.”

"It’s Always the Right Time to Listen”

"The error we make in the realm of intentions is simple but profound : we assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t. Worse still, when we are unsure about someone’s intentions, we too often decide they are bad.”

"This illustrates an important rule about inquiry: If you don’t have a question, don’t ask a question. Never dress up an assertion as a question. Doing so creates confusion and resentment, because such questions are inevitably heard as sarcastic and sometimes mean-spirited.”

"Persistence in a difficult conversation means remaining as stubbornly interested in hearing the other person’s views as you are in asserting your own.”

"Tell me more” and “Help me understand better”

"What leads you to say that?” “Can you give me an example?” “What would that look like?” “How would that work?” “How would we test that hypothesis?”

"Saying “I’d like you to pay more attention to me” is more likely to produce a conversation (and a satisfying outcome) than “Is it impossible for you to focus on me just once?”

"Difficult conversations require a certain amount of compromise and mutual accommodation to the other’s needs. If you find problem-solving difficult and anxiety producing, it may be because you are focused on persuading them. Those caught in this trap struggle like a fish on a hook, desperately trying to satisfy the seemingly insatiable demands of the other and reach some reasonable agreement on how to move forward. And no wonder. This frame gives the other side total control – until and unless they are satisfied, you must continue to struggle.”

"It’s better to make your question an invitation rather than a demand, and to make that clear. The difference is that an invitation can be declined without penalty. This offers a greater sense of safety and, especially if the other person declines to respond and your reaction makes that okay, it builds trust between you.”

"For many people, realizing that they don’t have to agree brings a sense of great liberation, relief, and empowerment.”

"So you might say to your boss, “I know there are lots of factors you have to take into consideration, and at the end of the day, I’m onboard with whatever you decide. I just want to make sure that as you think about it, you are aware that.”

"Peanuts aren’t nuts. Whales aren’t fish. Tomatoes aren’t vegetables. And attributions, judgments, and accusations aren’t feelings.”

"You can establish an evaluation-free zone by respecting the following guidelines: share pure feelings (without judgments, attributions, or blame); save problem-solving until later; and don’t monopolize.”

"While they may feel similar, there is a vast difference between “You are thoughtless and self-absorbed” and”

"Say what you Mean: Don’t make Them Guess”

"As you embark upon a difficult conversation, ask yourself, “Have I said what is at the heart of the matter for me? Have I shared what is at stake?” If not, ask yourself why, and see if you can find the courage to try.”

"Most of us assume that our feelings are static and nonnegotiable, and that if they are to be shared authentically, they must be shared “as is.” In fact, our feelings are based on our perceptions, and our perceptions (as we have seen in the preceding three chapters) are negotiable.”

"Listen! Paradoxically, there is also considerable persuasion power in inquiry and listening."

"Instead of saying, “Part of the reason I wasn’t able to get this in on time was that you waited until Friday afternoon to ask me to work on it,” say, “I’m totally committed to ensuring that this doesn’t happen again."

"What is the story we are telling ourselves that is giving rise to how we feel? What is our story missing? What might the other person’s story be? Almost”

"Say what’s in it for the boss. Explain how having a conversation is in your boss’s interest: “I want to make this initiative a great success. To do that I need a little more help in making sure I understand the logic well enough to execute effectively.” Of course for this approach to work, you have to be open to learning.”

"If you are having a difficult conversation, and someone asks why you disagree, how come you never say, “Because what I’m saying makes absolutely no sense”?”

"You can preface their expression with an admission that you are uncomfortable with these feelings, or that you aren’t sure they make sense, but follow that preface by expressing them. Your purpose here is simply to get them out. You can decide what, if anything, to do about them later.”

"Too often we confuse being emotional with expressing emotions clearly.”

"The Identity Conversation: What Does This Say About Me?”

"The Identity Conversation looks inward: it’s all about who we are and how we see ourselves. How does what happened affect my self-esteem, my self-image, my sense of who I am in the world? What impact will it have on my future? What self-doubts do I harbor?”

"We don’t know what we don’t know.”

"People do sometimes worry that we are about to put someone’s “face” at risk, but then visibly relax as they realize that we have put a joint problem on the table (from the third story, of course) with no hint of the blame frame.”

"What you experience as an attack might in their mind be meant as a defense against your attack. What, you say, you never attacked them? Ah, there’s the rub.”